Ironic?

I really just cannot get over Everett. I do love this city, but it is just so ghetto and ugly! Now I totally dig this resaurant. Fave mexican food. But notice the chain link fence with a barbed wire around the parking lot? Wtf? Trying to prevent immigrants from getting in? doubt it. I'm seriously trying to think of a single good reason for something like this.................but I can't. It gets better though! The barbed wire is damaged, as if someone has tried to get over it! Ha. I can just see it now, some buddies are out on the town bar hopping lol they remember it's taco Tuesday, they get up to the fence....they could go around but they figure hey what the hell I'll just hop over this son of a bitch and call it a night. I'm sure it worked out really great. Thank you Dos Reales for making my mexican food expirience a humorous and safe(?) expirience everytime :)

Drunk Horny Guys

I love drunk horny guys.......or at least the things they say lol. I was recently at a party and there was one particular guy that just had the most entertaining things to say! Knowing I have a horrible memory, I wrote it ALL down. Genius, I know. So fortunately I can share it with the world. Here is a list of some (no really, only some) of the dumb shit he said. And my personal opinion about the matter :)

1) "I'm so drunk I could make out with a microwave!"

Really? A microwave? Of all appliances, this is obviously the one I would want to kiss too. Radiation tastes great! But I think, as a guy, you could find a vacuum of much more service.

2) "Your hair smells like macaroni and cheese! Dude, I love mac and cheese, I have never told a girl this before. Dude I'm like at the spaghetti factory right now."

......Spaghetti factory? Honestly (and I did check the menu, not the kids one though) they do not even serve mac and cheese! And yeah I would hope you never told a girl that.....let alone a guy either.

3) "John are these your shorts? They smell like pubes!"

Pubes......? Not balls, or sweat, or dick.......pubes. Why would you know what pubes smell like? My guess? The smell is similar to mac and cheese?

4) "Look at him! He is such a little cutie"

I dare you to guess what he was referring to. Ha. He was looking in his pants. I'm sorry gentlemen but under no circumstances should you refer to yourself as a little cutie. I don't care if it's a half inch hard! You act like that is the roughest half inch anyone will ever get!

Ha, that's my peace.

Those damned drunk blonde chicks

<--- This is why I love booze! Because shit like this becomes funny and entertaining. Who knew that with basic household items and some duct tape could make the night fifty times better! Lets see here, Some tongs, beer can, beer cup, hooka hose....and I can't make out what the small one in the middle is. I am very sad to admit that I am the culprit of this fine work. So I'm saying really to myself lol. At the time if can remember correctly (not likely) this was my idea of decorating Ashley's lovely abode. I specifically remember wanting to duct tape the actual hooka to the wall.....but I ran out of tape. Unfortunately I don't have photos of the other decorating I have taken upon myself in this house. There is a smiley face made of bottle caps I stuck to the wall in the living room. He is lucky to have such a creative interior designer such as myself. However, decorating was not my only intent for that entertaining duct tape that evening. I also decided to tape my friends mouth and tie him up. As you can see here, he was having a lot of fun with it :) Essentially what I'm getting at is never leave a drunk blonde girl at your house with duct tape around. To be safe I just wouldn't leave a drunk girl at your house period lol.

You'll never learn.....

I LOVE the saying "girls think they are so cool because they can fake an orgasm, men can fake a whole relationship just to get an orgasm!" It's so true right? It certainly is! But! What's better is it's only half true! Yes men will do AND accomplish stupid things to get an orgasm just so they don't have to use good ol' Palmala Handerson ;) But gentlemen, it's the 21st century! We can vote now and do things other than pop out babies, cook, and clean! We figured it the fuck out! We can be just as devious. It's funny when I notice a guy trying to play me or keep the upper hand. It only takes a mere rearranging of words you said earlier this week and BAM you don't know what hit you! You're in beg mode! You're thinking 'what do you mean maybe? I 'THE STUD' asked if you wanna do something! What does it matter if I said we'll see and possibly all week, I just asked!' And I think 'Yepp! I am the Tooch, and you just got Chantele'd!'

Maybe you shouldn't have driven....

I work at a bar in South Everett called O'Finnigans. Right around closing time a bartender there pointed this receipt out to me. Really? So this is what we're working with here. They had the right idea...you can barely make out $3.00 tip on the right line. (Which isn't a horrible tip might I add) But this is where it gets tricky! They have not only scribbled the whole "total" line out, but continued throughout the whole receipt. It looks like abstract art gone wrong....and I'm not sure how possible that is. You can however clearly make out the $22.00 total on the top to the right of the word "sale." I feel like this could be related to sexual frustration, similar to tearing labels off beer bottles or tearing up coasters. I'm praying for the sake of getting our tips correctly and this man's safety that a chick took him home!

Just say no...

Apparently Everett is the home of the question "what could I possibly do to make my car uglier?"

EXHIBIT A: Luckily, we do have a crime fighter. Though it is slightly unorthodox for them to be driving on Broadway in the middle of the day. I imagine that it was probably some big deal that the Everett police couldn't handle, cat stuck in a tree, you know, the important things. Speeding tickets are pretty much their main concern.

EXHIBIT B:

An M&M? Really? Most people would agree that small things are cute and I would agree with them with 2 exceptions. Penises and Smart cars, and it would take a small one to drive on of these. They are made for 1 and 1/2 people. (BTW yes, a man was driving this) Both of these cars were spotted by me on the same day in a 5 mile radius.....I have 1 thing to say to these wonderful Everettonians.

LAY OFF THE CRACK MAYNE

The scoop on poop

Why are people forced to pick up after their animal goes number two? This seems extremely stupid to me. Who the hell picks up wild animal shit? No one! Seagulls fly around all day long taking dumps on whatever is underneath. It is freaking biodegradable. Farms use it for fertilizing. They harvest crap to shoot through a sprinkler all over their yard. And yet anywhere else we're expected to pick up animal faeces and carry it around in a little plastic bag until one can find a trash can. Until someone is washing my car everytime a bird is flying above me, I will leave my dog's crap on the sidewalk, stranger's front lawn, even on someone's car if the circumstances let be. I refuse to scoop poop.